Rollecoasters - heaven or hell - a perspective and a question!!!

Bonjour!!

Yes, I have been on a roller coaster today.. well through the past few years I would say, they have only been emotional (leave that for explanation to some other day..), but today in a visit to Alton Towers with good friends of mine I did see and dare I add ride some of them. I must acknowledge the complete credit for organizing and executing the trip to Noor Palijo (a close friend) - job well done, Sir!.

Apart from the engineering marvel of the various rides at the theme park, I was struck by this thought - actually better be frank and say stared at by my own fears - dont know how to classify - for given my ambition to be an aviator pilot once, I would like to think that I am not afraid of heights - but with rides that travel at fast speeds, twisting and turning, rising and falling and the individual hanging in mid air - I can assert those safety belts and bars dont offer much solace to weak hearts. There would be various traits that have been and could be suggested - cowardice, being the one that I wanna pick up today.

Yes!! Its the one, or the opposite bravery that is generally associated with great men... My question is that can bravery be judged on the choice of rides one chooses to take in a theme park or is it bigger (and possibly deeper ;-)) than that? My argument is that it would be, for now atleast. This expression is also inspired by another piece I heard on the radio last week, where the "punjabi" host of the radio show (a Punjabi Radio Show, mind you!!) accepted very coolly that he was a "darpok" or a coward. It startled me to hear a Punjabi, who are well renowned for their bravery and valor, say that.. until I realized the honesty in the statement and the amount of guts it takes to admit that. I hope you would agree...And for today (and future roller-coaster rides), I am following suit to that!!

I am gonna leave it that for tonite.. sleep over the question and like I put in the title, my perspective on roller coasters and maybe come bac on it if i ponder again..

sayonara :-)

Lonely in a Crowd??

Hey...

Its kinda late for my time.. and I feel lazy yet again, for the lack of thoughts covers my mind - and as I sit down to study - an act which I have tried to do for a few days now, bit by bit - a sudden realization creeps in, and a rather interesting one which I want to share, before I crash in my bed again.. and its that of emptiness..

The question is.. what occupies are daily lives, what are we in pursuit of, if anything? It surely cant be simple as being one thing like love, fame, money and the like.. and if I think harder for it to be the right mixture of many - doesnt it become to complex to be chased? And then every now and then , you come across time periods - when you are absorbed in one thing, and the rest of the engagements tend to come to a standstill! And that has been the case with me today, the day has been eventful, I have studied, gone to the library, played squash, met with friends, had dinner, watched tv and all those things and yet the feeling of emptiness or the lack of something substantial. It makes me question, what was I looking for in the day that I havent got or havent done?? And although, I am convinced its an important question, I am clueless on the answer... a certain answer anyways..

And the best way of summing up this feeling is what the title says.. feeling lonely in the crowd.. its like being in the middle of a rock concert and yet you dont hear a thing.. its being in the sea and looking for water.. And interestingly I chose a few words earlier to call it emptiness, and now I am thinking maybe its the other way round.. maybe the glass is too full? The lack of clear direction and purpose is one of critical importance and although I have gone through today (and many such days before), its only today I express my concern over it realizing the very existence of this dual nature.

Whatever it is.. Its silence amongst the noise that I feel strongly tonight!!

Sweet Pain.. thats Love

I always said.. even when I was in love.. that "Love hurts".. I did forget it for a while, but then it came back and hit me harder.. Now years gone by since the last time I held my lady in my arms and hugged her to tell her that I love her and hear her gentle whisper in my ears repeat the much desired words.. the weather has done it to me again.. I happened to peek her profile and though tempted to look further, I stayed strong.. or did I? Either ways, the thought obviously didnt leave me.. and I ended up writing this piece.. dedicated to her again - I used to say, " You are the source and the you are the destination".. today its not gonna reach her.. its just gonna stay posted here... even if its a remote possibility.. i ll still take the chance for her to discover in cyber space - my "song of desire" dedicated to one woman whom I have truly loved and sincerely adored... here's to you, jaane..

Once again the clouds are out
and the sky turns grey
The mind and heart fancy their games
with my emotions they prepare to play

Drops of rain come down again,
scrape my heart and search my soul
digging up the memories,
slowly but surely bringing back a hidden pain

As I tread slowly on the road
ponders my lost and lonely heart
"How can I keep walking in the present
and yet keep holding to the past?"

The mind, wise it is
suggests to keep the two separate
"You have done your bit, loved and failed
Now the distance is too much and time too late."

"I wish it was that simple"
echoes the heart
"We were happier than happy, together as one
Now, how can i just pull that one half apart?"

"She was the noise of my day
and silence of my night
We loved each other beyond all measures
How can I lose her without a fight?"

“Choices are made” , the mind argues
“not always by reason
sometimes love changes too
from season to season.”

“Say what you may”, the heart weeps
“I cant help feeling blue
Cant fight this feeling anymore
coz i know our love was true.”

“True, and nice, it may have been",
da mind reminds, "its not so any more...
Its best you move on, and remember
it as a nice love-lore."

In the end, I can hear the debate settle
whispering a gentle tone
the silence of the my heart admits
"The times have changed and love has lost its home."

I know its a bummer.. but that's love aint it.. You have a good days and then you also have not so good ones.. but then you sleep thinking over it in ghostly or a moonlit night.. hoping that the next day will be a good one.. the hope is one thing that love has plenty of...

Cheers;-)

Desire...

Even though, I am swarmed with things to do.. sometimes you let loose and treat yourself.. I did that by watching a movie over dinner and then watched till the end.."The Beach" (2000) starring Leonardo DiCaprio.. a decent movie with deep meanings intended.. and as you might have guessed my inspiration for today's blog... A line I managed to save in my head.. "Desire is desire wherever you go. The sun will not bleach it, nor the tide wash it away."

It would be very easy to let you just leave with this line.. and let the interpretations head off in any directions that you like.. but before you do so.. I might as well add my two cents to it!! Its interesting how the line has been put.. its simplicity hits you in the face and you ponder over what are your desires.. what kind? What happened to them -- Have/Were they modified or influenced by external factors or maybe (unlikely, yet possible!) even your own change of mind? If yes, were they not strong enough to keep you determined towards them.. inspiring your aspirations a notch higher.. or were they too simplistic to not be worthy?

Life - My view of it as a game..

Hey there..

I know.. u have heard this before.. Life is a game.. I want to give this old saying, my own flavour after my experience at a cricket game this evening. I bowled my best in a long long time.. and lead the time to a winnable (dont know if this a word... but lets use it anyways!) situation.. 11 runs of 6 balls. And to some excellent hitting by the opponent batsman, we lost the game with 3 balls to spare. Tragic, Devastating and disappointing.... but something I cant help and yet am certain that I should be able to!

My project supervisor once said, "I look at failure case studies more seriously, 'coz they offer more scope for learning".. And I heard his words echo in my mind.. thinking (deeply frustrated over our loss..), I kind of tried to think hard.. what can I learn from this tragic ending to our cricket game.. So how is this related? And then it dawned on me.. again not very original, but its still my own personalized version.. its not really about winning or loosing.. and I would argue, its not about playing either... However, if the outcome- sparks a thought or leads you to one.. its the magical bit you are looking for.. which is the essence I realized is my conclusion.

Isnt life like a game, depending on how you see it.. whether you are playing against others or playing against your ownself.. an interesting question, one can ask oneself! And its about playing the game and yet we are so caught up in trying to win.. who are we trying to win against? If its against others.. then its really not worth it.. coz that pursuit is futile if not worthless.. and if we are trying to win against ourselves, it is increasingly elusive. And yet I am suggesting we play, not for winning - but to ignite the flame of the pursuit of self-discovery, self-realization and self-thought!!!

And my friend James, my due respect to him and his wisdom.. strongly feels that we are increasingly drawn into this web of living the life, the way the system wants us to.. trying to win and make others loose.. we still cant digest the idea of playing the game for the game.. and not only for winning! I take this theory, one step further.. instead of not playing at all,,,,,choose your game and play it with all your heart, and not only play the right game.. but play it right!! Although it feels great to be a winner.. you can loose and still be a winner, if you can derive your own meaning from the game.. like I felt I have today..

Actually, having said all that and to share that I am an ardent golf freak (more of a fan now.. with my infrequent visits to a golf course!).. My parents in the US gifted me a shirt on Christmas '98 which read something like this.."I've played golf most of my life.. rest of it, I've just wasted!". So my question to you is, what have you spent most of your life on? What have you wasted? and most importantly what are you playing in your life?

So much for this night.... Au revoir!

Appearances.. turning over a new leaf!

Well, its finally done.. I have finally got my hair cut to the bare minimum I could have in one go, anyways..hehe. I am glad to be writing on this page again.. its been a while, and I really cant explain the reasons why I haven't written anything in the past couple of weeks.. other than I really haven't come up with anything good enough to write and the other eminent fact that I have nothing but pure lazy....

Today's theme is also nothing super wise.. however, a random flux of thoughts that has entered my mind.. and I think its best summed up as 'Appearances'. How important are appearances to an individual? Which appearance is more important - social, emotional, moral or maybe physical? The question is not easy to answer.. unless you are a psychologist and you end up saying, "It depends"...haha. With my hair cut short (will post picture soon!), I feel better in many ways and thats cool and weird at the same time. I feel different, as a person and one can easily argue - just 'coz you cut your hair differently, doesn't make you a different person. However, I think it does! I feel a rejuvenated soul, feel more prepared for the truck load of tasks that I have lined up and intend to do and above all feel free in a sense that I am less (if not totally 'not') concerned of what impressions a person meeting me builds about me.

You would have often heard, "Appearances can be deceptive". Which appearances are we talking about? Which appearances are important to you? Ideally, one would answer moral and ethical appearances, one which depict the values and principles of an individual is the only one that matters. But I have a strong feeling ;-) that the reality is closer to social and physical appearances. And maybe another perspective is to think of how one appears to oneself is whats important, so the inside-out view is what matters. I am baffled and acceptant at the same time, of the amount of efforts that we make to maintain our social and physical appearances in contrast to the ones we make to build and exhibit our moral and ethical appearances. Maybe, the renewed look of mine.. will make look deeper inside and display my implicit, true and arguably more important appearance. Worth a thought atleast....

So much for the discussion on appearances, I am crashing in for the night.. got a big day ahead - meeting my supervisor (who am sure is waiting to wring my neck!!) and then have cricket lined up in the evening.. not to mention the small, idy-bidy bits that I should be doing to make myself more commercially aware and a wiser man!!

Signing out.. Adios!

I Love my Mom!

Well, finally the day.. that both me and my mom have been waiting for has come.. yes, its Mother's Day.. and although I speak to my mother almost everyday.. and hopefully convey to her in both verbal and non-verbal expressions that "I love you, Ma".. .but let me try to make this special.. using this space as a personal expression.. across the miles and oceans.. to wish my darling mother, "Happy Mother's Day"

I think most 'mother-son' stories might sound similar, but I also firmly believe that every one of them is unique and special in its own way. Although sounds common and conforming, she has been absolutely awesome.. from the very beginning of teaching me all I knew then.. to doing my Moral Science Scrapbook just before the checking on monday.. to making the holiday homework charts with me sitting right next to her, jus watching her create magic .. so effortlessly and yet elegantly.. to the nights that she has stayed waiting for me to come home from gurgaon.. and then forcing me to have milk, when the last thing i wanted to do was interrupt her sleep.

I cant describe the heavenly feeling her warm hug with closed eyes provides.. something I have yearned for and something that has driven me home when I didn't have all the other drivers of doing so.. Its hard to forget the times when she would wake up in the morning, make breakfast for 3 of us.. and then make the milk so hot.. that I would frown.. on her.. and actually taking out my own guilt of getting late (generally for sleepin that 5 min more..). A bit late for the apologies, yet let me still say.. thanks for all those special moments.. Love u for that and so many more, ma.

And yes, cant forget how well she has raised me to independent and yet seeking guidance.. so much so.. that when I was in Seventh Class, I used to say that all my past academic achievements are on my own.. 'Silly Me'.. Remember this classic one though.. I was struggling with the long long History answers.. and I went back to her saying, "Ma.. need ur help, I cant learn these long answers." She calmly responded, "Well... let's take a look. But before that, i don't want you to say, I can't." She helped me break that long answer into small points, writing them out for me..that I could easily learn and to this day.. I use that same technique of breaking a big task into smaller ones.. writing the bullet points. An essential learning I wudn't survive without!

I didn't realize it then.. but I do now, a bit anyways.. I was nearly 16, and she was willing to let go off me.. and be a son to another lady, another Mom (who i have come to accept and love as my Mother as well). But it wasnt known then, we didn't know that family.. and To share your son with someone is almost unimaginable...but she almost did it, without much hesitation. Laud your courage, generosity and above all sacrifice, Ma. Calling all those times to me in the US, when it cost more than what was affordable.. writing those letters every now and then.. full of love and guidance.

The special fact that you understand my treasures of wrappers, chocolate covers and pages of absolute nonsense and are willing to help me treasure the treasures, even if they bring termites and being so supportive of my relationships.. both successful and failed ones.. hehe
Packing my bags, from when I cudnt pack to now when I let her do it.. coz she does it so well, She just seems to know what I need, what should I wear (yes! I still seek her guidance on what I should wear - even on skype!!) A strange one, but till not too long ago.. and when possible - I would even like for her to comb my hair..hehe!


Well, the list goes and on and on.. but before this gets too long too be a good read, let me conclude.. (these assignments I hav been doing at school are instilling a habit of ensuring I write a conclusion..hehe) using my own expression and my own style.. So here u go, Ma.. this one is a special poem written just for you.. wishing happy times to all of us in the family and although it has been felt always (implicitly) but using this modern world's chosen day and technology to express it explicitly today.. I love you and Happy Mothers Day!!

How do I start talking about,
A special woman in my life
Dad admits he is a fortunate
To have his darling as his wife

She’s been with me since the very start
She brought me into this earth
Smiling and supporting me
Even bearing the pain when giving me birth

Taught me most of what I know
She raised me like a king,
Fed me and bred me
To be a good human being

She's made many sacrifices
Smilingly all the way,
Helped me in my homework
Stayed up with me and for me.. be it night or day

Taking one more chance to tell her
To tell her I love her
Give her all the credit , for I wont be half the man I am today
If it wasn’t for her

I think by now you know,
Who I am talking about
She is none other,
Than my lovely mother

lots of love,
ur nannu

Life - Journey or Destination?

Once again, as I put my head back and think, or rather should i say make an attempt to think!! I intersect two seemingly different thoughts, one that i had read in a mathematics textbook in 6th grade - "Perfection is a journey, not a destination..." and the second one that life is so mysterious, uncertain and yet the constant search of happiness.

Doesn't it seem ever so elusive?? I came over to england nearly 8 months ago.. and the time seems to have zipped by and there is so much yet to learn, to absorb and to achieve. There is this emotional roller coaster that i ride all the time, with highs on small things and big things and the lows because of expectations, hopeful hopes and sometimes even people.

Although happiness always seems to be sought for in my life, I was beginning to think, that this is the way life is, a continuous race that i am running along with everybody and we are running for different reasons and yet running to the same goal. Also i think although we are running this seemingly crazy race with everyone else and might also seem against every one else - its about running for your own reasons and enjoying the run. Its not about winning but runnning!!

The net conclusion I come to with my shallow analysis, is an increasingly realization that to be happy in life, you have to find joy in running that race, in chasing the goal continuously and understanding that its a journey and not a destination. The happiness lies in the journey and not at the end of it..

Wishing you all luck 'n' love to enjoy the race!

Expectations...

Traveling on a long train journey watching the beautiful english country side on a nice sunny day, I stumble on another thought this afternoon; One of expectations.. the word is rather simple but the context varies from individual to individual. It surprising how varied the meaning can get as it really means different things to different people. Scratching my head over this one, I think on what all expectations I have.. and immediately so many thoughts come to mind.. its getting complicated with the mind space being crowded as the search for the expectations move to wishes and dreams and even hopes. Again this is very individualistic, but for most people - the first thing is the expectations your near and dear ones i.e. family and close friends have from you. You would like to think that they don't expect much from you, if anything.. but you know it and they know it as well - there are always expectations. Probably the next come your own expectations. And this is a bit surprising to me, that we would realize and try to live up to the expectations of people who are important to us and we care for, above and before we do our own.

Expectations are generally situational i.e. they build up due to the circumstances that we find ourselves in due to our own choice or influence of external factors. For example, If you were reading this blog, did u have any expectations from it? Obviously they wont be there if you were doing some other activity. Not to mention that they will develop as you read on or if you read another one.. If i walk into a class, I am expecting so many things, from the fact that i find a comfortable seat, a good inspiring lesson from the tutor, a smiling and sweet smelling gal sitting next to me. these are not there if the class is not going to be there. As i am thinking on the trot here, I am also beginning to realize that expectations tend to evolve as well. You would probably agree that like almost anything, 'expectations' have a shelf life. Some of my expectations from yesterday are not valid today and some of today wont have any meaning for me tomorrow. Then of course, there are some expectations are more generic or holistic as well, like " I expect to be successful and do well in my life" (probably a very common one). To explore further, there are not only explicit expectations but hidden expectations. From the very beginning of your journey as kids , parents expect us to behave and be well mannered. Once we develop the capability to understand the environment, we fall into the process of having expectations like meeting friendly people, getting good at job, be good at doing subjects in school, earning money, being famous and the list goes on. The role that one plays in life might change from a baby to teenager to an adult to a married person to old age, but the hidden or implicit expectations are always there and probably increasing.

Moving further on, are expectations good or bad? probably many schools of thought on this one. Two that stand out from common sense would be, expectations give a direction, a target or a goal and give u inspiration to fulfill them. The other one and quite contrary would be that expectations degrade performance, because they might be unrealistic and like pointed out earlier be more of desperate hopes rather than expectations. I would be tempted as the author of this piece, to take a middle road.. why not? My view is that expectations are good as long and base them on a true evaluation of the any criteria that can contribute to the judgement. And I ll tell you from the little yet vast experience of 24 years experience of expecting, this is easier said than done. The key is to expect the right things and keep the expectations as expectations, and not let them become wishes and hopes. The, wishes and hopes, have their own place and we shall get into that some other time.

Expectations are a fact of life and an integral part of our story on this planet. So lets expect and enjoy them for they are own minds creation after all. For now.. I am "expecting" that i do well at the job interview tomorrow in glasgow..

Cheers!